We've now reached the fourth boundary in our Fresh Grounded Thought series-- Friendship. Last July, I introduced the concept of boundaries as we considered how we "do life." I told you I have discovered if I don't learn how to run my life, life will run me! In my desire to live intentionally, I began to examine and establish the boundaries I had and those I needed in my life. In regard to friendships, if we don't intentionally decide how to relate to our friends, we passively react. So, let's see what a friendship boundary might look like and what it is based upon.
A clever lawyer questioned Jesus one day about the greatest commandment in all of Scripture. Jesus didn't answer with traditional or legalistic standards; instead, He had only two simple commands and they were both relational--"love your God" and "love your neighbor" (Matthew 22:34-40). By speaking these two commands in the same sentence, Jesus defined the simplicity and importance of relationship. To establish wise boundaries in relationships, we begin with a love relationship with God. He is the one who equips us and frees us to love others.
So, how do we love others and "do" friendships in a healthy, wise manner? Examine these questions to determine your friendship boundary situation:
1. Do I allow personal honesty or others' expectations to govern my relationships?
- Loving God and loving others requires truthfulness and standards.
2. Am I intentional about being a friend?
- Loving God and loving others is a choice that requires planning.
3. Do I actively pursue a growing friendship to meet my needs or to meet the needs of my friend?
- Loving God and loving others means we do nothing out of selfishness, but regard others more highly than ourselves. (Philippians 2:3, 4)
4. Am I loyal, unconditional and steadfast in my friendships?
- Loving God and loving others means we keep commitments and desire to grow together.
5. What is my motivation for choosing and maintaining friendships?
- Loving others is motivated by love for God, not love for self.
John 13:1 says this about Jesus: "Having loved His own who was in the world, He now showed them the full extent of His love." Jesus modeled friendship for us. His motivation was giving, not receiving. His method was honesty and pursuit. His message was love. He tells us how to establish a standard--a boundary for friendships--and it's in John 15:12-14, "My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this--that he lay down his life for his friends."
Deep friendships require sacrifice on our part, which, if we are honest, is most often why we lack them. We often think that sacrifice in friendships means giving tirelessly and tolerating things that annoy us. But honestly, sacrifice shows up in how we are willing to give and protect our time; how we are willing to tell the truth instead of simply ignoring sin or conflict; how we confront rather than disrespect and how we love without keeping score.
This boundary is tricky because relationships are unpredictable and messy! That's why love is always the guide. And when thinking of your friendships, it's wise to ask yourself the classic question "What would Jesus do?"
Our relationships will cost us something. Yet they will also enrich us. Our ability to love each other wisely and thoroughly is not based on ourselves, but on Christ's love in us.
Well, that's what's been percolating in me lately!
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