October 2011 Spill the Beans

You Ask It, I'll Answer It  

Question:

My husband and I started dating back in our teens and we recently married.  For me, it was more for security than love, and I find myself always trying to change him.  I have been listening to Family Life and this has really helped me spiritually.  It has made me realize the things I should have done before I ever married, like praying for the right mate and waiting on God to send him.  Family Life talks about people who have problems and fall out of love, but they were soul mates when they married. Eventually they remember why they married and work it out.  But what about people in my situation who did not pray, were not in love and married for the wrong reasons?  How or can it even work if I didn't marry the right person?  How do you love and accept the person completely as God does?  I do understand all marriages will have issues, but should acceptance be one of them?  I appreciate your help and time.
 
Sincerely,
Toni   

 

Answer:

Oh girl - what a spot you are in!  When I have hard situations as you described, I don't seek answers right away.  Rather, I ask questions.  So, before I even attempt to answer your question, can I ask you some questions?  Don't tell me your answers.  Just discuss them with God.  

Do you want to be totally accepted by your husband?  If so, why would you not be willing to accept him?  How would you feel if your husband told you he never loved you and married you for all the wrong reasons?  What do you value more -- your happiness or your personal holiness?

I ask hard questions because you asked some serious ones.  Here's what I know -- you are seeking and hurting.  God wants to be found in your seeking.  Sometimes we think we are seeking answers or relief, but in our deepest heart, we are really seeking God's peace.  His peace is never found on the path of disobedience.  He wants to grant you peace because He loves you.  But, He grants peace as we walk in His will.  

I will just finish with a few thoughts and you can ask God what may apply to you.  Some cultures, like ours, marry who they think they love.  Other cultures eventually love who they marry.  It is possible for you to love the one you have married.  And, sister, if you married him, he is the right one.  He became that the day you said, "I do."  

Thanks for being so brave and reaching out with your honest questions. I admire you.  If you haven't already, find a Christian counselor who can really help you process this. Sometimes the best treasures are found in the deepest pits.  Don't give up too soon.  

Bless you,
Jennifer
 
And now the beans are officially spilled.