I'm just doing your study Me, Myself and Lies. It's a very thought-provoking, pull at the heart study. So far, I'm enjoying it. BUT...yes, there is a "but." I can't move past week 2. My issue with the study is this-what if they are not lies? What if they are 100% truth, based on facts. That's why I'm stuck and can't seem to move on in this study. My head is screaming at this study saying, "No, no, no! These are absolute truths...not lies, not misbeliefs. 100% facts."
I've been a single mom for several years. I've never lived with a man or been in an actual relationship since my son was born several years ago.
Fact one: No one wants me. Everyone (and I mean everyone) I know has met guys and gotten married. All these years later, I'm still single. Which means no one wants me. Fact - something must be wrong with me.
Fact two: When I was pregnant with my son, I discovered that my son's father was cheating on me, and then he left me for the other woman. We were almost married. We had just bought a house and were planning our wedding and family. Fact - I wasn't good enough.
Fact three: I have dated a few guys in the last several years and each and EVERY one has ended up betraying, cheating and deceiving. I dated one man quite awhile and thought he was the real deal because he proclaimed his love to me, went above and beyond to woo me and told my parents, "I love your daughter. She is my soul mate." Then I found out he was sleeping with my best friend the whole time. It took me ages to get over the betrayal of my fiancé. A few years after my fiancé left me and his son, I decided not to date anymore and just let myself heal. Then, I met a guy and started dating. He said we had an exclusive relationship. But soon enough, I discovered he had a dark secret and was texting my cousin for a relationship and also had his eye on my sister. He actually ended up sleeping with my cousin. Just when I was convinced "there 100% had to be something terribly wrong with me" I met this lovely guy. He was several years older than me and cultured and so sincere. On our first date, he said he could see through my sad eyes and could tell I'd been hurt and wounded. I told him about the guys that cheated. He was so shocked men could be like that. He was the first real man I'd dated and seemed so genuine. A few months into dating, I found out he was married with kids. I was so shocked.
I didn't get over that, and I started to become a woman who would prey on men and sleep with heaps just for sex. And I was a Christian.
I hated myself so much, but hated men more. I booked myself into counseling and slowly started to heal. Although, I sit here now, typing and wishing I wasn't a Christian because the need to go out again and be just like all the cheating men out there is so strong. I'm telling myself, "Just one, just go out and have sex with one." I had even promised to God on my life and my son's life I would never do this again, but I broke that promise, and now I live with the guilt and fear God may take my life or my son's life. Even though I tell myself God knew the day I made that promise that I wouldn't keep it. That gives me some comfort. I know God is real. He pulled me out of a massive pit and radically transformed me. I just don't know it with my heart. I know with my head "God says I'm good enough." I read it in the Bible, do studies, go to conferences, read books, listen to worship. But I won't allow my heart to feel it. I just live with this constant stuck record, "you're not good enough and something is wrong with you," and that voice drowns out everything else, because my past is proof that these are not misbeliefs or lies. They are the truth.
Thank you for reading this. I'm sure you get millions of emails. So, I just pray that this one is answered.
Oh, oh, my dear sister...I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him (Ephesians 1:17).
He loves you so much. That is a fact. What you stated as facts are really speculation. You don't know these things. You speculate and assume. You struggle with those feelings you call facts - "I'm not good enough. No one wants me." Who you are and what you struggle with are not the same things.
I know you stated at the bottom of your email that you know God is real and you know the truths of his Word. You even said you believe them...but, not in your heart. Remember, faith is not a feeling which we affirm by our feelings. Faith is a position we take with our volition. If you believe in your head, celebrate that! Go with it. Belief is belief! God is real. He does love you. You are acceptable. You are wanted. Those are facts. The broken and selfish behaviors of other people are not the source of our view of ourselves. Only God's view of us is factual. Those men do not reflect who you are; they reflect what you struggle with - low self esteem, insecurity or whatever else is causing you to be attracted to those who hurt you.
I imagine your urge to be with a man right now is strong, for it is the way you know to feel accepted and worthy. That is not a fact. That is a feeling. Being with a man in the way you described will only lead to self-loathing and defeat. Don't do that to yourself, sweet sister. You are too valuable.
Lastly, God will not make something happen to you and your son because you failed to keep a promise. He is merciful and doesn't behave like humans do. Try to notice that you may be assessing God based on your feelings rather than facts. Read Psalm 103:10-14.
Treat your struggle like an alcoholic treats hers. Get a buddy you can walk with. Let her help you when you have urges that are strong. Ask God to strengthen you to trust him more than your feelings. And, move on in the MML study even though you "feel" stuck. So far, your feelings haven't served you too well, so start acting on faith instead. Eventually, those feelings will become servants to your faith. Instead of controlling you, you will control them.
Be strong and humble, sister.
I am praying for you,
And now the beans are officially spilled.