Java with Jennifer Journal

June 2012 Spill the Beans

 

You Ask It, I'll Answer It  

This email came from a woman I will call "Janice."  The subject line read "struggling."

Question:

Dear Jennifer,
I have written you before. I am struggling through so many areas of my life. I have a support system and see a counselor (Christian-based), however I still do not seem to be able to accept myself. I look in the mirror and am still not happy, so I am still fighting the demon of my eating disorder. I am not even sure I know how to be "normal." I was born with a type of muscular dystrophy. I do pretty well, but in the last few years have had to face the fact that things are getting worse. I have always been taught that if you fight hard enough, then things would not happen. So now that things are there and changing, I just seem to sink.

You seem to have adjusted and accepted your blindness with such grace. HOW? I am ready to give up. I know the facts and that God loves me, but truly, I admit that I do not accept that love. I have learned to fake life.

I listen to you in the car and have read several of your books. I just don't seem to let things in. I just cry (a lot). I am sure that things stack up for you, too. How do you keep going?

I am looking to take a road trip soon to hear you in person. I am ready for an escape.
 
Thank you so much, and with much Christian love,

Janice  

  

Answer:

Dear Janice,
Oh, girl, I appreciate your honesty!  I am glad you have support and a good counselor. That is so important. But, I understand you are discouraged when you are trying to change and nothing seems to change...except for the worst!
 
I have no magic words or wand to fix or soothe. If I did, I would send them your way. But, this I know - just because we fight against depression or eating disorders or low self-esteem doesn't mean we will always win.  Fighting is no guarantee for success. But, before you think that is a statement of defeat, consider this:
 
In 2 Chronicles 20, Jehoshaphat faced enemies and he was afraid. He sought the Lord, and God said, "Listen, King Jehoshaphat and all who live in Judah and Jerusalem! This is what the LORD says to you: 'Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army, for the battle is not yours, but God's.' " (vs. 15)

Janice, this battle is not yours, either. It is God's. Instead of fighting on your own and faking it when you fail - admit your weakness, fear and powerlessness. God wants to fight this battle for you.
 
When the wave of despair washes over you, ask God to fight for you and bring you victory in Him. Your weight may not change, but you will.   
 
And, sister, can I just say...DON'T LOOK IN THE MIRROR!  If that is a source of discouragement, just get a hand mirror and see your beautiful face. Ignore the rest. Focus on God being strong in your weakness and celebrate His victory in your heart. Sometimes miracles come slowly, but they will come!

Keep walking by faith and be honest with your support group.
 
Jennifer
 
And now the beans are officially spilled.

  

  

 

  

May 2012 Spill the Beans

 

You Ask It, I'll Answer It  

Question:

I wanted to ask for your input and guidance, if you don't mind sharing. I am speaking at a women's event and am working on preparing for that.

This is my first teaching opportunity, so it's new territory for me. When you are preparing a new talk, what are your practices?  I'm unsure where to start.
 
Sherry G.
Tennessee  

  

Answer:

I always try to know a lot more about a topic than I actually share. What I mean is, I research, think, meditate and feel like I really grasp something before I teach it.

I like to say I carry it around in my head and heart a long time before it ever escapes my lips! The temptation then is to teach all you learned.  An audience needs to know less than you prepared. So, the procedure is to "select," not "compress." My temptation is to compress all 40 hours of research and thought into 40 minutes of presentation. Bad idea. Rather, the best choice is to select out the main principles for the audience.

Once that is selected, you "show" before you "tell." Just like Jesus taught by story, if we do the same, people can see the picture which will remind them of the truth. Once you show, you can then tell by expounding or deepening the concept. If you compress info, you can't show them - there would be no time and they wouldn't remember. They would have information overload.

I learned a long time ago to really ask myself, "What is the one thing I want them to take away from this message?" When I discover that "one thing," it makes the selecting process easier. It's better to hit one nail three times than to hit three nails one time. Most audiences are "one nail" listeners. So, find out what your "one nail" take-away is and select your points based on that. Then you can hit them three times from different angles!

Last thought, care about your audience as much as, if not more than, your message. A brilliant message presented with little regard for the listener falls flat. An audience will scoop up every piece of your flawed presentation if they know you empathize and love them.

Okay, really last thought, give your listeners a "value statement." Give them something they can do, remember or implement based on your teaching. Inspiration will fade, but equipping them with something they can do to walk out their inspiration will give legs to your message. That way, it will spread far beyond your immediate audience and give life too many.

Hope this helps. Now, if you get in His Word and on your knees, you will stand before women with something to say!

 
And now the beans are officially spilled.

  

  

 

  

Got a question? I might just spill the beans.  

April 2012 Spill the Beans

   

You Ask It, I'll Answer It  

Question:

 

Hi Jennifer,
I have admired your wonderful outlook with a disability, and that it does not hinder your walk with others or with God personally. I led a Bible study in my home with many ladies using your video studies. They were so wonderful. Now I am experiencing something new. I was recently diagnosed with spasmodic dysphonia, a rare vocal disorder that inhibits my speech. I am not able to speak. This is a great hindrance to my daily life. I'm just trying to cope with it and thought I would write to you for any advice you may have for me, as I now also have a disability.
 
Delisa   

  

Answer:

Hi Delisa,
I'm so sorry to hear of this new difficulty you are facing! Oh girl, I don't have any profound advice.... I just walk by faith and trust God more than my feelings when it comes to this kind of thing.

The main thing that came to mind when I asked God for any specific word for you was this - be patient with yourself and be patient with God. He will grant you grace for your present moment, so don't worry about your future or pine away for the past.  

He will carry you through this....

Keep trusting, sister.

Jennifer
 
And now the beans are officially spilled.

  

  

 

March 2012 Spill the Beans

You Ask It, I'll Answer It  

Question:

Jennifer,

Recently, I completed your study on Me, Myself and Lies and just read Lessons I Learned in the Dark.

I am going through a very difficult time in my life. I'm in my 60's and I was probably deaf since birth, but no one knew! My family never really said anything about it, so I went through school not knowing. (Amazing how the other senses kick in.) I learned to compensate.

I depend on reading lips and anyone behind me has freedom to talk behind my back. I sat in a Precepts Bible Study and asked, "Please repeat anything anyone else says and the right answers." The response, "Well, if there is anything you don't hear, let me know." Hello! Teacher talking into a black board does not give me "hearing."  (I no longer attend the studies.)

So obviously, I have an anger problem. After all these years you'd think I'd come to acceptance. Actually, when I first learned what the implication of my hearing loss was at the age of 40, I said, "Well, they didn't know," but today, I'm mad.

I read stories like yours that had parents who were tuned in to their child's needs. People like yourself who have testimonies of loving, caring parents who walked through those beginning years of awareness.

So often, I feel so left out, and I know there is a time I'm just going to have to accept the loss and the implications. I'm angry and no one seems to understand. I recently spoke to a young pastor who has a hearing loss. His response to one of my dilemmas was, "If you figure it out, let me know."

Now that I've written what I have, I ask why. I loved your book. I laughed, identified with your pain and cried. I guess I just need some encouragement. Thanks for listening.

 

Julianna  

 

Answer:

Oh Sweet Julianna,

I get it! It stinks and you're stuck with it. I am sorry you have to deal with this. But, I know you can, and within it and even in spite of it, you can be free. I think people's lack of responsiveness and the isolation you feel is worse than the hearing loss itself.  

So, here is my encouragement. From one sister to another, being angry is only hurting you. I don't want you to be hurt any longer. Episodes of frustration are legit, but clothing yourself in anger is more damaging than hearing loss and people's lack of understanding. I want you to be free from what is hurting you most. Evidently, God has a purpose for your deafness. I know the purpose is not for you to be locked up in anger and unforgiveness toward your parents. So, can you ask God for the grace to let go of anger? He will give it to you.
 
To be in your 60's is great. You have walked many miles and have wisdom to offer others. None of us ever really figure it all out. We just trust, walk humbly and choose to laugh at what we can! We can't control blindness or deafness, but we can control our attitudes. So, sister...ask God for grace, receive it and then give it to those who hurt you.

I believe in His ability, I believe in you and I believe in Him in you!

Now, go and live free.

Jennifer
 
And now the beans are officially spilled.

January 2012 Spill the Beans

You Ask It, I'll Answer It  

Question:

I'm just doing your study Me, Myself and Lies. It's a very thought-provoking, pull at the heart study. So far, I'm enjoying it. BUT...yes, there is a "but."  I can't move past week 2. My issue with the study is this-what if they are not lies? What if they are 100% truth, based on facts. That's why I'm stuck and can't seem to move on in this study. My head is screaming at this study saying, "No, no, no!  These are absolute truths...not lies, not misbeliefs. 100% facts."

I've been a single mom for several years. I've never lived with a man or been in an actual relationship since my son was born several years ago.

Fact one: No one wants me. Everyone (and I mean everyone) I know has met guys and gotten married. All these years later, I'm still single. Which means no one wants me. Fact - something must be wrong with me.
 
Fact two: When I was pregnant with my son, I discovered that my son's father was cheating on me, and then he left me for the other woman. We were almost married. We had just bought a house and were planning our wedding and family. Fact - I wasn't good enough.

Fact three: I have dated a few guys in the last several years and each and EVERY one has ended up betraying, cheating and deceiving. I dated one man quite awhile and thought he was the real deal because he proclaimed his love to me, went above and beyond to woo me and told my parents, "I love your daughter. She is my soul mate."  Then I found out he was sleeping with my best friend the whole time.  It took me ages to get over the betrayal of my fiancé.  A few years after my fiancé left me and his son, I decided not to date anymore and just let myself heal. Then, I met a guy and started dating. He said we had an exclusive relationship. But soon enough, I discovered he had a dark secret and was texting my cousin for a relationship and also had his eye on my sister. He actually ended up sleeping with my cousin.  Just when I was convinced "there 100% had to be something terribly wrong with me" I met this lovely guy. He was several years older than me and cultured and so sincere. On our first date, he said he could see through my sad eyes and could tell I'd been hurt and wounded. I told him about the guys that cheated. He was so shocked men could be like that. He was the first real man I'd dated and seemed so genuine.  A few months into dating, I found out he was married with kids. I was so shocked.
 
I didn't get over that, and I started to become a woman who would prey on men and sleep with heaps just for sex.  And I was a Christian.

I hated myself so much, but hated men more. I booked myself into counseling and slowly started to heal. Although, I sit here now, typing and wishing I wasn't a Christian because the need to go out again and be just like all the cheating men out there is so strong. I'm telling myself, "Just one, just go out and have sex with one." I had even promised to God on my life and my son's life I would never do this again, but I broke that promise, and now I live with the guilt and fear God may take my life or my son's life.  Even though I tell myself God knew the day I made that promise that I wouldn't keep it. That gives me some comfort. I know God is real. He pulled me out of a massive pit and radically transformed me. I just don't know it with my heart. I know with my head "God says I'm good enough." I read it in the Bible, do studies, go to conferences, read books, listen to worship. But I won't allow my heart to feel it. I just live with this constant stuck record, "you're not good enough and something is wrong with you," and that voice drowns out everything else, because my past is proof that these are not misbeliefs or lies. They are the truth.
 
Thank you for reading this. I'm sure you get millions of emails. So, I just pray that this one is answered.

Regards,
Jane Doe   

 

Answer:

Oh Dear Jane Doe,

Oh, oh, my dear sister...I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him (Ephesians 1:17).

He loves you so much.  That is a fact.  What you stated as facts are really speculation.  You don't know these things. You speculate and assume.  You struggle with those feelings you call facts - "I'm not good enough. No one wants me."  Who you are and what you struggle with are not the same things.  

I know you stated at the bottom of your email that you know God is real and you know the truths of his Word.  You even said you believe them...but, not in your heart.  Remember, faith is not a feeling which we affirm by our feelings.  Faith is a position we take with our volition.  If you believe in your head, celebrate that! Go with it. Belief is belief! God is real. He does love you. You are acceptable. You are wanted.  Those are facts.  The broken and selfish behaviors of other people are not the source of our view of ourselves.  Only God's view of us is factual.  Those men do not reflect who you are; they reflect what you struggle with - low self esteem, insecurity or whatever else is causing you to be attracted to those who hurt you.
 
I imagine your urge to be with a man right now is strong, for it is the way you know to feel accepted and worthy.  That is not a fact.  That is a feeling.  Being with a man in the way you described will only lead to self-loathing and defeat.  Don't do that to yourself, sweet sister.  You are too valuable.

Lastly, God will not make something happen to you and your son because you failed to keep a promise.  He is merciful and doesn't behave like humans do.  Try to notice that you may be assessing God based on your feelings rather than facts.  Read Psalm 103:10-14.
 
Treat your struggle like an alcoholic treats hers.  Get a buddy you can walk with.  Let her help you when you have urges that are strong.  Ask God to strengthen you to trust him more than your feelings.  And, move on in the MML study even though you "feel" stuck.  So far, your feelings haven't served you too well, so start acting on faith instead.  Eventually, those feelings will become servants to your faith.  Instead of controlling you, you will control them.

Be strong and humble, sister.

I am praying for you,
Jennifer
 
And now the beans are officially spilled.

 

October 2011 Spill the Beans

You Ask It, I'll Answer It  

Question:

My husband and I started dating back in our teens and we recently married.  For me, it was more for security than love, and I find myself always trying to change him.  I have been listening to Family Life and this has really helped me spiritually.  It has made me realize the things I should have done before I ever married, like praying for the right mate and waiting on God to send him.  Family Life talks about people who have problems and fall out of love, but they were soul mates when they married. Eventually they remember why they married and work it out.  But what about people in my situation who did not pray, were not in love and married for the wrong reasons?  How or can it even work if I didn't marry the right person?  How do you love and accept the person completely as God does?  I do understand all marriages will have issues, but should acceptance be one of them?  I appreciate your help and time.
 
Sincerely,
Toni   

 

Answer:

Oh girl - what a spot you are in!  When I have hard situations as you described, I don't seek answers right away.  Rather, I ask questions.  So, before I even attempt to answer your question, can I ask you some questions?  Don't tell me your answers.  Just discuss them with God.  

Do you want to be totally accepted by your husband?  If so, why would you not be willing to accept him?  How would you feel if your husband told you he never loved you and married you for all the wrong reasons?  What do you value more -- your happiness or your personal holiness?

I ask hard questions because you asked some serious ones.  Here's what I know -- you are seeking and hurting.  God wants to be found in your seeking.  Sometimes we think we are seeking answers or relief, but in our deepest heart, we are really seeking God's peace.  His peace is never found on the path of disobedience.  He wants to grant you peace because He loves you.  But, He grants peace as we walk in His will.  

I will just finish with a few thoughts and you can ask God what may apply to you.  Some cultures, like ours, marry who they think they love.  Other cultures eventually love who they marry.  It is possible for you to love the one you have married.  And, sister, if you married him, he is the right one.  He became that the day you said, "I do."  

Thanks for being so brave and reaching out with your honest questions. I admire you.  If you haven't already, find a Christian counselor who can really help you process this. Sometimes the best treasures are found in the deepest pits.  Don't give up too soon.  

Bless you,
Jennifer
 
And now the beans are officially spilled.

September 2011 Spill the Beans

 

You Ask It, I'll Answer It  

God Are You There? [first answered April 2011]

Question:

 

My name is Carol. I read your book Lessons in the Dark. I have been going through a time of feeling distant from God. The more I try to feel Him, the harder it seems.  It's been 8 years.

Everyone says to walk by faith. I agree. I just know that we should sense Him and know He is there. I wonder what I have done, and I have repented of everything. I wonder about that verse in Hebrews 6:4-6.  Please let me have your comments on that verse and how to trust Him more.  

 

Answer:

Hi Carol,
Well, sister, you sound like you are in quite a state of confusion.  I know how hard that can be, especially when it lasts so long.  Let me, with sisterly love and honesty, offer a perspective.  You mentioned we should "sense Him and know He is there."  I am not certain the exact concept of "sensing" His presence is in Scripture.  I could certainly be wrong, but I am not aware of it.  We do not "sense" Him to know He is there.  We simply accept He is there because Scripture tells us He is.  Jesus told us that He would never leave us or forsake us.  Believe me, being blind, I cannot count on "sensing" someone is there when I am visiting with them.  If they are exceptionally still or quiet during our visit, I just have to count on "knowing" and trusting.  Our senses are not ultimate confirmation of truth.  As believers, when it comes to God's presence, faith is knowledge.  

The best evidence of God's presence in our lives through His Son, Jesus, is in our unexplainable peace and in the fruit we bear--such as love, meekness, etc. (Galatians 5:22) We all have seasons where we are less aware of the Holy Spirit in our lives due to our own apathy, over-analysis, sin or distraction.  That's why we don't measure the truthfulness of God's presence by our senses or the way we feel.  He promised He would never leave us or forsake us.  Never.

Because you mentioned the scripture in Hebrews 6 which refers to people once involved in the Christian faith falling away, I wonder if you are questioning your own salvation.  That is something you can determine through prayer and wise counsel.  But, I do know there can be times of barrenness, confusion and seeking that occur, and they are often evidence of God's presence in our lives, rather than His absence.  

I often read Matthew Henry for insight into scriptures so I copied a portion where he explains the passage you questioned.  Perhaps his insight can grant you some clarity.

Carol,  I really like his last point.  Perhaps you've stumbled and walked through a spell of darkness, but that's not the same as falling from His presence.  I want truth to be your guide.  God is faithful. May He strengthen you to trust Him more than feelings and may He graciously grant you clarity.

Bless you sister,
Jennifer
 
And now the beans are officially spilled.

 

 

 

 

Got a question? I might just spill the beans.  

 

August 2011 Spill the Beans

 

 

You Ask It, I'll Answer It  

Question:

I picked up your study Me, Myself, and Lies to teach at my church.  But before I can lead them and myself to change, I need to know the answer to a question that has bugged me most of my life.  It is a question that I have never had anyone to ask, because people who love you can't help but tell you that you are wrong.  

Here is my question--what if some of the negative thoughts I have are true?  I can look in the mirror or in pictures and know that I am overweight and not as attractive as the majority of women I know.  I have recently lost 45 lbs, but there isn't much you can change about your face :)  I have dated several guys and NONE of them have ever said, "You look pretty."  At my age, most of my friends are finishing up having kids and wondering when I will ever get married.  Here is the big secret that no one seems to understand...I'm not being that selective; no one is asking!  So, when I tell myself not to get too hopeful because I may just not be what men look for in someone to marry, is that a lie or a fact that helps me protect my heart?  

I hope you have some thoughts.  I'm okay with it either way (sad, but okay), but I don't know if I should feel guilty that I have created these lies, or feel freedom in just accepting that some of it is true and move on.  

Thanks!

  

Answer:

Wow, girl!  You are clearly an insightful and deep woman!  Your question is not easy to answer.  So, I won't try to address it specifically; instead, I will give a broad principle and you can apply it as the Spirit leads.  Instead of measuring if our thoughts or self-talk is negative or positive, I think of measuring it by this standard--is it constructive or destructive?

It is important to tell oneself the truth.  The truth may be that a woman is overweight. (Congrats on your 45 lbs!  What an accomplishment!) That is simply a fact.  But, the meaning one assigns to that fact must be constructive, not destructive.   

You may be right that God hasn't planned for you to marry or you could be wrong and the man He has for you is looking for you even now!  None of us know the future.  So, in order to speak constructive truth to our souls, we don't speculate.  Speculation has great potential for destructive thinking.  We should deal only with "what is" rather than "what if."

This I do know, even though we have never met--you are a bright, wise, down-to-earth, beautiful woman who any man would be honored to call his wife!  And, you just keep on being a woman who tells herself the truth. Truth sets us free!  And, truth makes all of us beautiful.

Peace to you sister,

Jennifer
 
And now the beans are officially spilled.

  

  

 

  

Got a question? I might just spill the beans.  

July 2011 Spill the Beans

You Ask It, I'll Answer It  

Question:
 

Jennifer,
My wife has lost her vision after 47 years due to complications with a brain abscess. I feel she is starting to lose hope and the tears seem to come on a daily basis. I know you are not a psychologist, but having gone through this
tragic event, do you have words that I can say to comfort her during these rough times? It tears me apart to see her go through this, and I am pursuing options and consultations to see if there is anything we can due to restore some vision, but am realizing we may have what we have. I have a great network of family and friends whose support has been amazing, but at the end of the day, I need words of comfort and encouragement that I seem lost on. Any advice would be appreciated.

  

Answer:

I am so sorry your wife is struggling so.  She is blessed to have a husband so compassionate.  You're right brother, a psychologist I am not, but I do have a few thoughts.  I know the words of encouragement I need most from my husband are of this sort: "I will never walk away; we will get through this together.  This issue, and anything you deal with, will never be too much for me.  I won't get tired of dealing with this with you.  You don't wear me out with this struggle.  I am on your team.  You are still beautiful.  You are strong, and I admire you."  Of course, she needs the encouragement that she can do this and God is with her, but there's something about the reassuring voice of a husband speaking to a wife's secret fears that really helps give courage.  

My only other thought as I read your email was to make sure she has the medical support she needs during these changes.  The vision loss she is dealing with is enough to cause some serious depression, but I can't imagine the impact a brain abscess has had on her chemical balance. Perhaps a candid conversation with her doctor about this could lend some physical/chemical support her body needs.  

All I know is God's grace shows up when we need it most, and that is my prayer for both of you.  Bless you, brother, and give your wife a huge "thumbs-up, you can do it" from me!

Jennifer
 
And now the beans are officially spilled.

  

  

 

June 2011 Spill the Beans

 

You Ask It, I'll Answer It  

Question:

I have a question for you. I need some help in ministering to a friend of mine who just found out she has cancer.  She has four children and she is the bread winner for her family, even though she is married.  She told me yesterday she feels like everything is out of her control and she is losing EVERYTHING!  She only has six months to live without treatment or two years at the most with treatment.  How can I minister to her and what can I do or say?  Can you help me?

 

Answer:

I am so sorry.  I've prayed God will give you wisdom as to how to minister to her.  All I know is most people need someone to be a safe listener more than they need someone to be a smart adviser.  Don't feel pressure to have answers or advice.  Just be available to her.  Be the safe place she can cry and vent.  Be the practical support who sees needs before she has a chance to notice them.  Scripture that helps me keep my perspective is 2 Corinthians 4:16-18.  Perhaps meditating upon that will strengthen you as you minster to her, and if God leads you to share it with her, I pray it will minister peace and hope to her. 

God is our provider.  He will provide you wisdom; He will provide her grace either in healing or in the midst of disease. He will provide for her family. You rest in Him and He will lead you.  Peace to you, sister.  Our Java friends will pray for you and your friend.
 
And now the beans are officially spilled.